Category: Jokes
January 27, 2007
Monster Matches
| Your Monster Profile |
 You Feast On: Hot Dogs You Lurk Around In: The Ocean You Especially Like to Torment: Hippies |
Well. The Hippie part is right....but I'm not a huge fan of hot dogs... maybe the little fingers of children?
()
(0)December 2, 2005
Fundue: The Perfect Christmas Present (For Me!)
Someone out there loves me, because they invented the coolest thing. It's the Fundueâ„¢ - the World's first desktop USB fondue set. Of course, there's no production model yet but whatever, it has everything I need!
Firstly, it's USB 2.0 powered, so we won't be having any more nasty flaming-hole-in-mom's-tablecloth incidents, like we did last Valentine's Day. It also, like our hot water pot, has an Auto-power off mode for decreased loss of life risk. We have found this particular feature less of a nicety and more of a requirement. The Fundueâ„¢ also has a LCD screen that not only shows the internal temperature, but also has the ability to show what mp3 is playing on your computer.
Yes, me want. You can check out a full writeup on the Fundueâ„¢, including a recipe, at ThinkGeek.com. The only thing that could possibly make this gadget any more tempting would be a matching USB-powered chocolate fountain, because we all know, the chocolate fountain is a catering necessity for every gathering.
October 7, 2005
Don't Watch This Movie Before You...
Have you ever watched a movie and then, the next day, found yourself in similar circumstances? Often the "movie version" was rather dramatic, leading to stress you wouldn't have had to deal with if you had just watched the news instead! We're here to make sure this doesn't happen to you with some simple guidelines...
DON'T WATCH THIS MOVIE JUST BEFORE YOU...
GO DIVING: Open Water
LEAVE A LOVED ONE FOR A SHORT BUSINESS TRIP: The Bridges of Madison County
EAT FAST FOOD: Super Size Me
SEND YOUR KID TO KINDERGARTEN: The Sweet Hereafter
SEND YOUR KID TO HIGH SCHOOL: Kids
VISIT OB-GYN APPOINTMENT: Dead Ringers
GO INTO LABOR: Rosemary's Baby
GO FOR SURGERY: The Doctor
GO BABYSITTING: Scream
GO CAMPING: The Blair Witch Project
GO TO THE DENTIST: Marathon Man
GO SWIMMING: Jaws
GO FLYING: Lost
RENT OUT YOUR APARTMENT: Pacific Heights
GO TO PROM: Carrie
June 13, 2005
The Day After Tomorrow
McSweeney's Internet Tendency: Who's on First?
A great remake of Who's on First using movie names. Enjoy.
December 8, 2004
A lovely Holiday Flash Movie
It's quite a gas! har har... I dunno how he does it over at ritilan, but there's always something absolutely silly or whacky over there... heh.
November 23, 2004
Sears/Kmart buys France
iowahawk: Sears/Kmart Acquires France
Gotta love the humor. ;)
Following this, Microsoft will have to buy Japan to as not to be left behind in the rush to buy countries.
October 25, 2004
Finally! A DVD Rewinder!
It also supports the rewinding of MP3s found on the DVD or CD. This is good, because we all know the hassle that is caused when you're trying to play your favorite MP3s and you forgot to rewind them last time.
Unfortunately, it won't autodetect if it needs to rewind MP3s or not, so you have to slide the little lever. It's still an absolutely tremendous time saver!
Coming soon: DVD rewinder shaped like a car!
October 22, 2004
How Little Electronic Components Are Made
Gizmodo : Circuits Discover... Each Other
And by little, I mean young... :p
September 22, 2004
What OS are you?
So, over at slashdot they had a little poll on "if you were an OS what OS would you be?" and I quickly answered DOS because I'm kinda single minded when it comes to things (you know, one track sort of thing... say, if I want something, I won't think about anything else until either I get it or I get border with thinking about it) but I can be interrupted easily.
So, then I go off to the little quiz posted there, answering somewhat realistically (yes, I showered this morning) and somewhat for fun (yes, I'll pull out the stick and beat the person senseless for saying something false) and I got this:
Now really, I had no idea what was what and it's probably partially random. But slackware? I used it for years... odd.
May 24, 2004
2004 Darwin Awards
So, as prevelant as these are around the web, there appear to be multiple versions of the 2004 Darwin awards. This seems to be the most common list for 2004, though (although either the second one is an old one, or it happens every couple of years):
* According to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their Snowmobiles.
* In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
* A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
* Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
* Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
* According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing.
* Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
HONOURABLE MENTION:
* In Guthrie, Okla, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22 caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.
* In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.
* Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.
RUNNER UP:
TACOMA, WA
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say "said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night." "There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER:
Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that "Shit happens."
Sources and counter sources:
Here and here (which has the list from 2003 on the previous site) and here (which is also a list labelled as 2004, but appears as 2003 elsewhere) and here (another 2004 labelled 2003 list) and here (you get the idea) and here is a single one that is 90% exactly like some others and here, which appears to be an undated list of various items that appear in various Darwin award lists.
Right, so does any of it happen? Probably. Is it all 100% true? Doubtful. Is it meant to be funny? Absolutely. Even at the expense of others? Depends on if it really happened, but yes either way. ;)
